life on michigan avenue

day and night

2010-08-03T21:31:00.001-07:00

day and night, originally uploaded by paul zii.

Brian

2010-06-17T11:30:00.001-07:00

Brian, originally uploaded by paul zii.

In A Mind With No Walls

2010-06-17T11:23:00.001-07:00

In A Mind With No Walls, originally uploaded by paul zii.

As An Old Man Once Told Me

2010-03-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

Avatar: The Last Airbender.
Book Two.
Episode Twenty.

Anim Two

2010-03-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Bouncing Ball (B)
Animation Project Two
By Me
Enjoy
:)
-pz

Anim Four

2010-03-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Jumping Sack
Fourth Animation Project
By Me
Enjoy :)
-pz

Just

2010-03-15T22:58:00.001-07:00

Relax

The Fight

2010-03-10T17:13:00.000-08:00

I keep trying to tell myself:

Don't look.
It will find you.

Starbucks Employee Win

2010-03-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

Nice people just make my life.
This note took not three seconds,
But made me smile.

Now think,
If everyone started bringing little acts of kindness to the people around them,
This world will slowly but surely become a better place.

i'm finding the words

2010-03-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

At first it saddened me,
That she felt that way.
Then I wondered what you have told her.
But then still,
I realized that I don’t need to spend time,
Wondering or worrying.
Nothing she can say or do will make me change,
Or ask for her forgiveness.
I did nothing wrong.

a quick study

2010-02-22T16:26:00.001-08:00

colored pencil/copic marker
20 min
Josh Ulep

oil on canvas,
20 min,
Josh Ulep.

Allson

2010-02-22T16:25:00.003-08:00

If it’s cold, one would think to put on a jacket or coat.
Unless you are me.
If it’s cold, and I have a jacket that compliments my attire, I will put it on.
But then and only then.
Until today.
I wear thee because thou wouldst keep me warm,
not becaust thouest looketh good.
:)

now

2010-02-22T16:25:00.001-08:00

i know why

Page 65 (Reprise)

2010-02-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

I know i’ll never have you,
You’ll never know.

I know we’ll never be,
Never grow as one.

I know i’ll never hold you
Never show you all we have to offer to this world.

I know we’ll never talk,
Never be
Never walk together.

But one thing I do know,
Is I’ll never be sad when I think of you.

i feel like playing the guitar now…

Fourteen and Ten

2010-02-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

Next.
Next.
Next.
Next.
Next.
Not one song.

one

2010-02-08T01:16:00.000-08:00

that was very unlike you.
you just left.
couldn't you have at least given me closure?
something?
i'm worried about it.
i can't help it.
-pz

february

2010-02-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

today i read...
that you have moved on.
and there it was.
a smile.
i saw your picture today.
a smile.
you looked happy.
and it warms me inside so see.

where am i?

Smile (Reprise)

2010-01-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

Put together a list of things that make you smile.

I’ll go

First: The sky, that fuels my creative locomotive.

Second My friends, who keep me going.

Thir Tuxedo, my dog, my life.

Fou My mother; I would not be the person I am without her.

Fi My best friends, whom without I’d be lost.

S My brothers. Nuff said.

Ronald. I know we are no longer, but I still cherish every moment.

My father, I know you are trying so hard.

My step-father, for being there every step of the way.

The blind girl, that i passed last semester, who was so excited to start her day, with her furry black friend guiding her every step.

Will and Grace.

Glee.

The Buried Life.

Music.

Love.

Creativity.

A good conversation.

Depth.

Church.

Animation.

Dreams.

Color.

Originality.

The Lord, whom I’m going to cut and paste at the top of the list.

and finally:

Oh Gabe, everytime. I know he'll never know, but it's okay to dream right? It keeps us goin'.
(Not to sound like a creeper. :P)

-pz

dark blue

2010-01-20T15:39:00.000-08:00

it has been difficult to concentrate.
i am here, surrounded by positive energy,
but for some reason the energy in my heart is pushing all that is around me away.
i can't seem to get around my worries for those directionally opposite of themselves.
but he brings up a good point...

how can i expect him to get better when i can't?

though that may be a good question i suppose that one wall that surrounds me,
is the wall of just needing to say what needs to happen.
and as he reads this he will find the curiosity to ask what that is.
he is clouded by love for me,
i am clouded by fear of further inflicting pain upon an already damaged heart.

good people never seem to deserve what comes to them,
but maybe the ability of a good person to persevere despite the times of sadness or frustration or guilt or tiredness or loneliness or confusion,
is what makes that good even better,
and separates those who are truly good, from those who let life get the best of them.

but still i think of his heart, tired.
i think of him pushing himself down the hallways of his 4-day-a-week home,
and it makes me sad.
sad to know that i can't do a damn thing to make him better.
sad that i can't do a damn thing to mend what i have done.
personally, right now i don't care if i made the right choice,
i still have to get around the fact that i made a choice,
and this wasn't the first time, but the second.

i just want him to know that everything that i did was not out of selfishness but out of love and caring for him.
though my actions may point elsewhere, everything i did was for him...and i know he may not see it now, and as i know he will read this words, and potentially does not believe them upon the first read,
i hope that one day he understands...
though i understand that i can't ask him to.

me, myself

2010-01-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

just go down there.
what good would it do?
well maybe you can re-kindle the fire.
it doesn't work that way.
well you still aren't sure...don't you owe him that.
i guess.
well then...

here or there?
here.
no there.
here.
fine.
it wasn't here.
sorry.
it's fine.
where is the damn...
there.
oh.
hey look the relax inn...
i'm trying...thanks God.
here.
sad.
what are you going to do?
just enjoy the night.
ok.
hey maybe it's working.
no it isn't.
it's going to hurt you know.
i know.
are you sure about this.
still...no.
what if you're just confused?
no shit.
sorry.
say no.
i can't.
why?
tomorrow.

or not.
just enjoy.
i'm trying.
fine.
well what are you going to do?
i don't know.
he's going to see you different you know?
maybe.
and they are too.
i know!
it's going to be tainted from here on out.
i know! but i think i'm doing the right thing.
but you're not sure.
the day i'm ever 100% sure about anything will be the day.
well...
i wonder what these people think about you.
me too.
can't be good.
i understand...it's understandable.
yea but...
tomorrow.

he can't hold off any longer you know?
the string.
you just need to say something.
i know.
so does he.
he's smart.
why can't this just work?
does anything ever make sense?
can something just make sense?
please work...

that's not fair you know.
i know.
that's why i'm not...

did i fail?
i don't know.
never will.
don't stop believing.
keep holding on.
you've gotta swim.

for someone with such a great life you have little faith in the future.
tending to dwell in the here and now i suppose.
too much so.
i know...

the sea of sounds

2010-01-06T00:21:00.000-08:00

my ship went down,
in a sea of sounds,
when i woke up alone i had everything;
a handful of moments i wish i could change,
and a tongue like a nightmare,
that cut like a blade.
in a city of fools i was careful and cool,
but they tore me a apart...like a hurricane.
i handful of moments i wish i could change,
but i was carried away.
therapy - all time low

to day was a go od da y.
a t lea st i th i nk it w as.
i se e med to ha v e fi gured things o ut.
at le ast wi thin my self.
wh at i' m going to do i n the not e xactly near fu ture
i ha ven't got ten to...
but i t's a step right?
in a se a of so unds i'm just trying to hone in on th e on e that. . . . . . . . .

2010-01-02T01:31:00.000-08:00

at least we're breathing,
at least we're alive.
as long as we're dreaming,
everything is going to be alright...
-eve 6

-pz

11

2009-12-27T13:40:00.000-08:00

upon my arrival
the expression on your face,
made it all worth the while.
-pz

A Christmas Excerpt

2009-12-25T00:22:00.000-08:00

from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol,

"There are many things from which I might have derived good by which i have not profited, I dare say...Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmastime, when it has come round - apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that - as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, Uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"

up

2009-12-18T02:35:00.000-08:00

we watch them shine,
we watch them above.

they are where they were meant to be, they are were they have been,
while we are trying.

don't tell us we don't work,
if effort gathered points in this game we'd be farther than this,
surrounded by what seems so accessible,
but prevented by what seems invisible.

we don't sleep,
we always think,
we worry,
why worry,
on the brink
of finding ourselves.

but all the while we look up,
within sight but not reach,
at least for now.

monday morning

2009-12-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

monday morning rain is falling.
steal some cover, lost that grin.
clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable,
can you twist,
fit the mold that i am in?

yea, things just get so crazy livin' life gets hard to do,
and i would gladly put this down,
pack it up, let it go if i knew,
that someday things would change inside of me,
that someday things would change inside of you.

that may be all i need,
my goodness if you'd only see.
God i hope it's not just me.
walkin' slow on monday morning,
and i don't know where to be.

?

2009-11-17T23:50:00.000-08:00

have you ever been so sure of something,
that nothing could ever make you change your mind?
at least...
you didn't think anything would.
until now.

damn.
-pz

tonight

2009-11-17T23:46:00.000-08:00

tonight...

seems like a good night to:

write.
read.
fill.
bleed.
like.
love.
sing.
need.
pour.
file.
stretch.
dial.
to do what you haven't done in awhile.

-pz

bring me

2009-11-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

bring me to believe this isn't hurting.
bring me to believe this doesn't matter.
you are where i should be.
you are where i can't be.
right now.

let me be.
let me be.

just think about it for one second.
does it all make sense to you?
maybe.
but not to me.

i'm making my way there,
i promise...

and not because i shouldn't be here,
but because i am trying.

do you even think about me during the day,
and how i am probably thinking about you,
when i even have time to think of what i want to.

lay down your arms...
lay down your arms...

lets hug it out.
-pz

today

2009-10-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

today as i was walking back to the residence halls from class,
i saw a blind girl.

she was trying to gracefully slip a decorative collar around her seeing eye dog.
it was made of very thin, pink linen, with silver stars attached around the edge of the fabric.
once she felt the head-piece was on,
she stood upright,
and proceeded to smile.

and with joy and gid she said,
"alright girl, it's time to go,
are you ready for today?"

beautiful.
-pz

AH365a

2009-09-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

in a morning of a fast paced world,
the days the days
are similar, but not the same.
don't fall behind,
keep on going,
don't let me go,
just keep on rowing,
down the river of what is to be done.
but don't forget there is still the shore,
on which you can break and explore
the rest and reason that your
life still needs.

close your eyes

2009-06-19T02:21:00.000-07:00

when we sing, we sing,
when we dream, we dream.
when we love we love, we love.
and when we hurt, we hurt.
and when the time comes, we do what we must.
but i can't help but feeling like the rain filling your sky.
the rain that chills your nights,
and dampens your days.
of all feelings, this must be the worst.
and i'm sorry.
but how could i keep my stance, my state
from you.
maybe i did bring rain into yesterday,
to today, and days to come.
but one day,
one day you will see.
it wasn't rain to fill your skies with sadness,
or to chill your nights,
or dampen your days.
it was rain that fills the ground,
to make the flowers bloom.
to bring a crisp, clean sky, when it drifts away.

late night, early morning

2009-06-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

lately,
confusion has been a common theme amongst myself and the ones around me.
life has presented us, and so many others, with situations seemingly impossible to overcome.
in times like these,
we must remember that change is truly the only constant,
and that through this change, we are never alone.
but even more importantly,
that no matter what,
everything is going to be alright.
whether we be lost, broken, confused, or troubled,
there is a light to be seen.
our job, is to keep looking for that light, and not losing hope;
keeping our own light of hope shining within ourselves.

"you've got to swim,
swim in the dark.
there's no shame in drifting, feel the tide shifting,
and wait for the spark.
you've got to swim.
don't let yourself sink.
just find the horizon,
i promise you it's not as far as you think.
the currents will drag us
away from our love.
just keep your head above.
swim.
just keep your head above.
swim."

"swim" - jack's mannequin

i lost my place, but can't stop this story

2009-06-08T02:47:00.000-07:00

there is so much hypocritical injustice in this world.
it sickens me.
truly.
and i almost feel like fighting for what is right is useless,
and a detriment to my reputation.
but maybe that is a shallow worry
for the greater good is at stake.
truly.
in this modern world i find people moving backwards thinking it is forwards.
who will be the moral compass?
there needs to be a line drawn between progressive movement, and progressive detriment.
truly.
i want to make a statement,
and make it loud,
so everyone can see, hear, and more importantly...understand.
but how?
-pz

now

2009-06-08T02:41:00.000-07:00

i want to hear some music.
now that they are driving us all underground...

life throws you everything.
work around it.
work with it.

good.
bad.
neither.
work with it.

dream.
be.
fight for what is right.

your heart is strong,
but it must share the steering wheel with your mind.
if not,
the world will come crashing.
the words will come crashing.
down on me.
down on you.

-pz

in a world of grey

2009-05-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

first post in awhile huh?
here it goes.

in looking upon the internal workings of myself and observing the outward projections of others,
i have come to realize that much of what we do, feel, see, etc.
is made of how we handle, and what we do with the things that surround us.

but since the only person i can truly speak of with certainty,
or at least the most certainty,
is me, most of my observation has come from internal exploration.

i find that immediate family, and how one was brought up has a HUGE influence on how a person acts as they age.

i do many of the things i do because i was raised by a mother who was not afraid to lay down the line.
in a world of grey we find many who distance themselves from any sort of "end of the spectrum" mind set.
i find that though it is important to see the grey areas, there still can be positivity in the black or white, per say.

for example.
many modern parents/relatives/parents lose the traditional strength of their statements when diction points them to the word combination, "should not" as opposed to "do not"
there is a good deal of people who tell their kids, "honey, you should not drink, but if you do hide it from us."
sometimes i feel like parents sell out their discipline to the mind set that "he/she is going to do it anyways."
"you shouldn't have sex, but if you do, here's a condom."
"you shouldn't do drugs, but if you do, don't do them here."
"you shouldn't smoke, but if you do, don't do it in the house or when company is here."
the list goes on and on, really.
some parents don't even care.

now even though i realize that drinking, smoking, and sex, are not immoral actions,
kids do not understand, at least most don't, that actions have real consequences.
and in a world where many kids act upon impulse or do questionable things that aren't good for them,
or may even harm others around them,
it can be much better to draw that line.

i feel like i don't do a lot of the things i shouldn't because in being raised i had a mother and father who both were not afraid to use the words "do not."
a lot of who i have become is because of that, in fact.
but on the flip side,
it is also good to teach others not to judge, and not to jump to any conclusion, because someone does what they do.

really this could open up for many topics and could essentially go on forever.
but it is time to go to work.

-pz

that sort of thing

2009-04-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

stuck in this state of being...
you felt for him,
you did.

but why did you silence your personal passion?
why did you hide pieces of yourself within the hidden drawers of your life,
in a room that should be in the open,
to be shared,
enjoyed.

take the tape from your mouth,
smile and speak,
be and be.

never put yourself on mute for anyone.

for if you could not exist around him,
you could not exist.

it's a good thing,
you'll never have to worry,
about that sort of thing again.

-pz

to be in san diego

2009-04-03T01:06:00.000-07:00

oh how i can't wait to see you again,
maybe i am just impatient.
or maybe my heart has been caught by some indescribable connection between you and i.

the pictures in a constant slideshow,
that serves to distract me from whatever i was going to do a minute ago.
there were about five minutes
between this paragraph and the last you know.

for the first time being on the same level, page, step
is more than a wish,
for it is so.
it is so for me and you, you and i.
all that's left to do is grow

together in a world where so much can happen i am ready for anything,
ready for you.
let us start,
let us go.

-pz

you and i (both)

2009-03-25T23:43:00.001-07:00

you caught me by surprise you know.
swept me off my feet.
as i now float upon the soft, bright clouds
you have formed in my sky,
where your smile is the sun that warms my entire being.

may your voice be the soundtrack to the rest of my days,
may your music be written upon my heart for all the pages left to turn ahead.

when i am with you,
minutes cannot go slow enough,
but days cannot go fast enough,
when we are apart.

you know tears found there way to my eyes that day.
but they were tears filled with joy and awe,
in a moment that could not have been more like a dream,
or been more real.

am i saying this too soon?
am i falling too fast?
though i do admit that falling seems to be my forte,
i cannot deny that i have never felt this way before.
and never have i looked so forward to every day that has yet to come.

no day but today

2009-03-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

so for the past month there has been a bit of a blogging drought from my front.
call it busy,
call it life.

but today inspired me to blog.

why?
because in parallel with my lack of bloggage, has been my lack of energy,
lack of days that i can call truly call memorable.
sure i may have found select enjoyable moments,
but lately i've just been tired.
as the days go by, by,
the days go by.

lately all my energy has been going into what i have to do,
but not into what i waaant to do.

now as i have said before,
you never know what is coming to you.

today was one of the best days of my life.
front row seats to RENT, with one of my idols in the cast, Anthony Rapp.
and i didn't even expect that to happen.
my name was drawn from the pantages lottery.
never in a million years would i have thought it would happen.
and i got to see it with one of my best friends.

plus, the story within RENT could be a whole other blog to itself,
there are many reasons as to why it is my favorite musical that it is my favorite musical.

wonderful music,
happiness,
heart,
tears,
depth,
truth,
love.

it was written by an inspirational man: Jonathan Larson.
who teaches us to love without fear, to embrace what we have and make the most of it.
he teaches us that mistakes can be made, as long as they are taken as learning experiences.
be who you are and no one else.
to make the most of every moment in your life.

there are 525,600 minutes in every year...
how many of those will you make memorable?
and will you measure those moments in love?

-pz

from coast to coast

2009-03-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

as i ponder, you fall farther away.
but for the first time,
for the first time i felt i could,
i will see the light of a different day,
and let you be,
let you go.
smile,
and mean it.

-pz

agape

2009-02-22T02:27:00.000-08:00

today was a good day.
went to an event that a few friends of mine were a part of,
that is, their band performed along with several others.
it was an event to show the faith of the youth community,
and let me tell you it was so refreshing/awesome to see teens that were so proud of their faith.
for they are better than i.

____________________________________________________________

but there was one monologue that really caught my attention.
it was about love,
and how we should wait.
and this part i loved,
for i believe abstinence is key, because it is exercising true will power,
and consideration really,
for what might happen.
hell, you protect yourself too.
but the locomotive that is my mind,
began to turn, as he began to speak of holy matrimony.

he said, "holy matrimony...not only do others approve of your marriage, but God approves your marriage. God holds, in His hands, the bond of love between you."

now, i am very well aware that i cannot get married in the church because of my sexuality.
but, what if one day i fall in love?
i want to get married too.
and i know my close family and friends would approve,
but i want God's approval too.

-pz

residence hall

2009-02-18T22:06:00.000-08:00

as we walk we find how blessed we are.
as we see we find how blessed we are.

as we hear,
as we talk,
as we lay under the roof over our heads, we find how blessed we are.

as we know,
as we smile,
as we eat,
as we sleep,
as we find our friends, we find how blessed we are.

as we dream,
as we learn,
as we strive,
as we have our families, we find how blessed we are.

as we run,
under the warmth
of our sun,
as we bathe,
as we play,
as we wake to find a brand new day, we find how blessed we are.

-pz

as i lay here

2009-02-17T00:51:00.000-08:00

have you ever been told you can't have something that you want so badly?
maybe not by the people around you,
but by the circumstances that surround the situation.

days and days go by,
but not a single one of those days can escape you.
the ridiculous thought of you visits the home of my daydreams every day.
and with you,
settled so warmly in your smile,
is hope.

no i will never get farther than here,
but for some incomprehensible reason,
i don't care.
i still tell myself not to settle for less.
anything less would be selling myself short.
i want you.
not that you are mine to have,
you are your own,
but why do i feel like i would be complete with you?

i seemed to have misplaced my sense of reality.
but amongst what?
my neediness?
my dreams to find the perfect someone,
or at least, the closest one to perfect?

i need to let go.
but i don't.
i can't.
and there i go again.
i can.

i suppose it is impossible to know what's coming to you,
but it is possible to know what isn't.
and you aren't.
and

i can't.

-pz

to the world

2009-02-13T01:34:00.001-08:00

love yourself,
and love will find you.

-pz

one.two.three.

2009-02-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

i have come to the realization that i need to get my hands on a camera.

asap.

it's killing me.

-pz

bright red helmet

2009-02-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

life seems to be made of an unending chain of love...

He’s interested in her,
but she’s interested in him,
but he’s interested in him,
but he’s interested in her,
but she’s interested in her,
who’s interested in a him,
who thinks he’s a her.

is it too much to ask to be liked by the one you do??

i almost want to apologize for my recent blogs.
none of them have really been uppers.
but hey,
it's my blog and i'll cry if i want too.
:P
maybe not cry, but
you know what i mean.

it's hard to forget about you, ya know?
but i'm trying.

maybe i'll catch some gabe bondoc on youtube.
that'll help a bit.
:)

-pz

the equation of a monday in february

2009-02-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

here's an equation for you:

lack of sleep + hour in traffic + heavy art supplies + heat = frustration

frustration + long art class = more frustration

more frustration + more frustration = exhaustion.

lunch with roommate/friend + 2nd lunch with friends = content/fullness

yogurtland + friends = content/desire for pinkberry instead
:P

culmination of day so far + nap = refreshment

visiting jenn in her dorm to do homework = taking more time to finish homework.

fun/time = priceless

jenn falling asleep = cue to go home

texting you without immediate response = constant checking of phone

reflection on actions = wonder at why i even try/care

still no immediate response - why i even try/care = still checking phone

response = initial joy + reply = response = joy + reply

joy + reply + resonse = 2(hope)

2(hope) = happiness

arrival at apartment + invitation to watch pokemon episodes = reminiscence

end of our conversation = pondering

pondering = unreal numbers

-pz

six feet under the stars

2009-01-31T00:44:00.000-08:00

today was a long day.
back and fourth i went.
caught in the fray
between things to do and building stress.

but as i approach tomorrow's eve,
i realize that whatever was earlier today,
does not change the fact that i did make it through.
will make it through
the fray
of any day ahead.

when we find ourselves in the heat of any stressful situation,
itisbesttopull things apart.
look at each objective separately.
that way being overwhelmed is much less likely.
and no matter what,
realize we'll make it through the day.
so just keep marching on.

now to take my own advice.
-pz

stay awake (dreams only last for a night)

2009-01-28T00:08:00.000-08:00

second day of school over.
head full of the financial situation that is to be.
how am i ever going to afford the art supplies?
i suppose no matter how much they end up costing everything'll be ok.

came up to pasadena to have dinner with dad.
another kabuki night.
what would i do without him?

home.
first time i've watched a television show in awhile.
walk the dog.
an unfamiliar face in the window of the house on the corner.
and a good-looking one at that.
get closer. closer.
what are you doing?

stay awake.
get a grip and get out you're safe
from the weight of the world.
just take a second to set things straight.
i'll be fine
even though i'm not always right.
i can count on the sun to shine.
dedication takes a lifetime,
but dreams only last for a night.

-pz

the poetry of today

2009-01-26T03:12:00.000-08:00

if life were made up of a series of poems.
people would rather they rhyme than make sense.
because rhyming sounds nicer.

-pz

whatever you do, do it with passion

2009-01-22T00:25:00.000-08:00

today was a wonderful day.
it gives me hope.
and definitely puts truth into the statement,
"you never know what's coming to you."

pch and 2nd

2009-01-19T00:30:00.000-08:00

as i wait my eyes wander about the room.
people smiling,
laughing
as they converse with each of their groups.

as i observe i cannot help but smile.

i also cannot help but think of all the things in my daily life
that make me smile.
those things are taken for granted,
as we little recognize that each of those smiles cast upon our faces
help is get through each and every day.

when someone smiles at me.
music.
gabe bondoc.
friends.
family.
happy couples.
my iced white mochas.
my dog, tuxedo.
drawing.
singing.
wind on a 70 degree day.
daydreaming.
videogames.
silhouettes.
sunsets with a hint of purple.
the sunrise.
fog.
seasons of love.
the wizard and i.
writing.
socially awkward individuals...i just want to hug them cause i love them so much.
kids.
innocent genuine excitement.
dorkiness.
cool outfits.
shopping.
hugs.
stars.
the moon.
color.
especially dark blue...

-pz

we match

2009-01-17T00:17:00.000-08:00

no matter how hard i try to stray
from this road,
my feet are found again and again,
treading upon the path,
the search for love.

my heart is so strong,
and will never stay in it's place.
it fights for command.

and songs,
sounds,
words
that bring feelings,
memory to life
fire the engine that keeps it running.

so wander on,
wander on
this path til you find it's end.

if only i didn't have to wander.
and knew where i was going.

hopeless sounds,
songs,
words that keep me wandering.

_________________________________________

you are a giant's arm's reach away,
but i am no giant.
i have placed you on a pedestal of unattainable height,
and there you will always be.
only wings can bring me to your side.

i listen to your voice above,
it soothes me.
i see your beautiful face.
your smile makes me smile.
warmth enters my heart.

is there another like you,
that is on the same ground as i?
not a giant's arm's reach away?
maybe so.
i don't know.

but it is late now.
i must rest.
til tomorrow i shall dream.

eyes close.
consciousness falls.
eyes open to find
wings upon my back.
i look up and fly
to you.
and sit by your side.

-pz

the state of the union

2009-01-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

it saddens me that our nation can be hypnotized by this man we will call president in a very short while.
he clouds their vision.
i hope one day they will see past the veil he stands behind.

and i pray that he does help our country.
i pray his election was to our benefit.

i also pray for the people of this nation.
that they may look deeper into what is so deceptively written by our mainstream media.
that they may take initiative to not believe everything they read or hear.

be careful america.
this country may fall from within.

-pz

the breakdown

2009-01-15T01:40:00.000-08:00

so much to say...
with no idea of how to say it...

i feel that sometimes your thoughts have a pre-descriptive phase,
or pre-describable phase.

my thoughts are caught in between feelings and words.
they fight to escape my lips,
but to no avail.

as i type i search for words,
words,
words.

nothing.

-pz

out to sushi and best buy

2008-12-31T20:56:00.000-08:00

so last night i went out with my dad to dinner,

and we were discussing life in the future.

i told him that i wanted to have children when i am older,

when i'm ready.

and he said,

"in life we are never really ready for anything,

we just have to dive in.

that's what makes life so awesome."

amen.

-pz

forever the sickest kids

2008-12-30T02:09:00.000-08:00

we meet again.
in less then a short moment,
all we were returns.
a smile finds its way into my lips.
the more we talk,
the more i realize...
the smile fades.
-pz

the girl's a straight up hustler

2008-12-29T16:29:00.000-08:00

i wait here,
moving slowly.
til it's my turn.
i see you in the distance,
and watch your candid beauty.
the sound around us becomes one harmonious hum
with a few outstanding beeps, buzzes, and voices.

i wait here,
with the desire for you to approach.
my chances are
one in a million,
but i have always believed in that one.
and maybe you have seen me too.

i wait here,
and wonder why i still care about
"sir."
finding...
"sir i can help you over here!"
in an instant,
you walk away,
becoming a part of everything that was around us.
it's my turn now.
goodbye.

-pz

vegas

2008-12-29T00:43:00.000-08:00

driving home,
blasting the music.
man i must look ridiculous singing along.
but that doesn't stop me.
music is life.

-pz

still

2008-12-24T00:51:00.000-08:00

still my mind wanders.
still my mind remains restless.
still i my heart is over my head,
still with so much to say,
so much inside, unsaid.

-pz

for days...

2008-12-19T02:59:00.000-08:00

i guess you know a blogger is busy when he doesn't blog.
at least in my case.

the past few days have gone relatively well.
though there were a few times that i became a bit frustrated with studying or finals or work or whatever,
i can tell you what saved me this week was the clouds.
the clouds.
or should i say,
the God that put those clouds there.

i remember walking home a few days ago.
it was getting colder, as i headed back to my apartment with my ipod on full blast.
the wind gently brushed across my face and fingers,
and the clouds slowly glided across the sky in all their majesty.
it was beautiful...

one recipe for a perfect day is...
a nice stroll,
some music,
a touch of wind,
and a bit of sunshine peeking through a cloud covered sky.
...
i think i'm going to start a recipe book for perfect days.
...

i also went of a freelance photo run on tuesday.
i was stressing over my art history final,
and before i left for school i decided to take my camera with me,
so i could take pictures and forget about the final i was worried about.
and it worked...the clouds saved me...or the God that put them there.

oh and a side note...
why is every guy i find attractive straight?
tis an unending cycle of madness.

i know there are perks to being single...
but i'm over it.
i just have to be careful,
not to sell myself short,
or go for whatever comes around first.

i need to take my time...
slow down...
this night's a perfect shade of...
dark blue.

have you ever been alone...
in a crowded room,
well i'm here with you...
i say the world could be burning,
til there's nothing but dark blue.

just dark blue.

-pz

and then there was jon

2008-12-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

throughout the course of our life,
we meet so many people,
more than we could ever count.
most of these people will become little more or less than acquaintances.

there are a very select few of these people however,
that we know we must keep close.

one of those people goes by the name of jonathan llamas.

before i met jonathan, i never believed that it was possible to be so impeccable with one's word.
what i mean by that,
is that jonathan is one of the only people i have ever met,
that only spreads good energy, and love,
never has he spoken down about someone.
he has the biggest heart in the world.
not to mention he is so talented!

to be around such a person is an honor.

he is everything that is positively genuine,
in his words, actions, and intentions.
and until recently,
i thought it was impossible for him to be down,
for his positivity was always strong.

though he may be struggling right now,
with his heart and his mind,
i just want him to know,
that he is truly and deeply loved by so many around him,
including me.

-pz

rescued

2008-12-08T23:48:00.000-08:00

why does it matter so much to me?
patience seems to a fading virtue,
in a world where instant gratification is taking control.
i need to take control.
i can hold on.
i will find you.
no,
but what if i don't?
God can you just cleanse me of my wonder.
pull me out of this sea of uncertainty.
i can keep my head above water.
i can make it.
i'm not giving in.
i will take control.

________________________________________________________

you floated through my dreams again.
we were almost a dream.
but i woke up too soon.
before it was over.
was it for the better?
why do i not want to let you go?
close my eyes.
dream again.
promise.
promise me,
that wherever you are,
you are happy.

__________________________________________

it's almost like the bits and pieces of our lives form our own individual solar systems.
but for some reason,
all of the different aspects of our lives...or our planets,
seem to revolve around our romantic lives.
why do we make our romantic lives our star?
my star is non existent at the moment...but my planets are still revolving,
maybe my love life isn't the star...
but typically when i am in a relationship,
my relationship with my partner is the star...
does this prove that i don't need romantics to keep my life moving?
i suppose so...

but why do i want to be with another so badly?
darn.

-pz

tis the season

2008-12-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

christmas.

on its way,

brings tidings of joy each day.

from the warmth in our hearts,

to the cold in the air,

to the actions of giving,

strung with care.

to the beautiful trees,

of ornamental bare,

to the stockings on the chimney....

...right there.

...i just felt like rhyming...

-pz

life is like...

2008-12-07T02:45:00.000-08:00

life is like kraft mac n cheese.
if you make easy mac,
it only takes 3 1/2 minutes,
but the end result is crappy mac n cheese.

if you take the time to make the actual kraft mac n cheese,
the result is a delicious, hardy, cheesy meal.
that is timeless.
:)

see in life,
if we take the easy route,
though it may be easier,
the end result isn't going to be as fulfilling.

if you work hard,
and take the time to make your life worthwhile,
it will be nothing short of fulfilling.

-pz

another day in december

2008-12-07T02:33:00.000-08:00

it's early morning now.
but my day is finally coming to a close.

after i got up i cleaned and then walked to school.
the weather was alright,
could have been a little cooler, but o well.
stopped to get some starbucks in our library.

i'm so proud of myself,
it was only the second time i bought it this week.

after i got my art supplies out of my locker i began to walk towards my friend jenn's dorm room to say hi.
as i made a left at the end of the hallway,
a beautiful boy passed by.

hello.

i smiled at him,
and he looked away quickly.

darn.

why are people so awkward?
i mean, i'm not challenging your sexuality by smiling at you.
it's a friendly gesture for goodness sakes!

anyways,
i crossed campus to jenn's.
everytime i walk across my campus i remember how beautiful it is.
i love visiting on the weekends when a small amount of people are there,
and all the scenery can be enjoyed peacefully.

jenn,
hi,
love ya,
talk to you soon,
good luck with homework,
walk home,
2d design project,
damn,
i fail,
get ready for work,
go to work,
get to work,
clock in early,
craziness,
line out the door,
forever.
take brenna home,
but wait,
let's get starbucks,
damn i bought starbucks,
pick up james.
take brenna home.
take james home.
get home.
blog.
good night.

-pz

i'm ready

2008-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

apparently it has been three days since i posted my last blog.
which was also my second blog.

i woke up late today,
at least 11a is late for me.

whenever i wake up this late i find myself wandering around my apartment as if i can't push myself to find something to do.
these days always turn out to be lazy days.

as i type these words i lay on my furnitureless livingroom floor
curled up in my sleeping bag, surrounded by the need to clean.
wires, art supplies, school books, binders, wii-motes, papers, and season four of will and grace.
i do have a bed,
i just decided to watch will and grace last night and i needed my laptop for the dvd player.
look at me explain myself away.

and yes i could have brought my laptop to my bed.

i guess subconsciously whenever i curl up in a sleepingbag
i think of the times i used to spend at my home in pasadena.
friends over, watching movies, playing video games, staying up late.
it brings me...home.

back to where i begun.

i'm ready to make today a productive day,
ready to make today into something.
ready to get things done.
today is not going to be a lazy day.

when we push ourselves to do things,
when we push ourselves to be productive,
we feel so much better.

or at least i do.
maybe i should speak for myself.

-pz

another day

2008-12-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

early morning.
gather your belongings.
lock the door.
begin the journey.

the sun is hiding behind the clouds today.
must still be winter.
a girl cries in the window above.
sad.
we are all human.

cars buzz by.
on the way to somewhere.
unaware of what surrounds them.

the path is worn.
cracked.
adorned with age and footprints.
stop.
wait...

continue.
you may now cross.

the leaves careen above you.
today is going to be a good day.
you can tell.
the wind gently pushes you forward.
embrace your life ahead.

your eyes meet another’s.
she smiles.
you smile back.
that was nice.

people pass.
what are they thinking?
what are they going to do today?

climb
the
stairs.

down the hall.
so many things happening behind those doors.
look at all those words hanging on the walls.
you don’t have time to read them all.
would you?

turn the knob.
close the door.

time for class.

last night

2008-12-03T23:16:00.001-08:00

last night,

was the first time in a long time that i realized that i'm not alone.

now,
i know that i am not alone in the aspect that i have many close friends and family.
but for the past few months i have felt alone in my search,
for someone.
for my significant other,
for my bf
my main squeeze,
my hubby,
whatever you want to call him.

i feel like it is so hard to find someone in this material world that has bred so many shallow,
sexually driven people.

is it wrong to want more then that?
no.
and i'm told constantly that i will find you out there,
but for every time i hear that, my mind becomes more unsure of the truth behind that statement.
even if i don't find him this year, next year, in ten years,
i just want the assurance that i'll find him some day.

until last night,

i felt alone in my search.

but i was talking to one of my closest friends,
and he brought up this same subject,
and told me that he was so discouraged because all the girls he knows and meets go for the bad guys,
and he is a good guy.

at this point i realized there was someone else facing the same situation as me,
and if there is another facing this,
then there must be more like us out there.

and i told him one thing,
that i want everyone who is on the same boat as us
to promise themselves.

never
sell yourself short,
for the first person who comes along.
you deserve the one truly for you.

and always,
remember you are not alone.

-pz